I mentioned to Jake's mom that I wanted to bake for my friends and so she dropped off a check so that I could. She did this with a selfless heart and I accepted it with gratitude. I anxiously made my way to the store and bought all the things I needed to bake and make my other gifts. In a way my mother-in-law bought part of her own gift but I don't think she would mind even if she knew that. See she has it right. She could care less what she gets from anyone she just wants to give. Why didn't it run in the family?! I am not sure if it was jealousy or what but all I got about my baking and making my gifts was grief... was what about me?
Then this morning I found out that only the brothers were going to watch Tron and again I am home alone with the girls and I admit I got a bit upset. Not because Jake is going without me but because I wanted to go. What about me?! I was immediately disgusted with myself for even thinking it. I am so glad that Jake and his brothers get to spend time together and go out to lunch and a movie. I am content with sitting home and baking eggnog cheesecake and macadamia nut cookies. I wouldn't want Jake sitting home all day bored and miserable. I am so grateful that this movie is part of his Christmas gift, and just like I didn't share mine I do not expect him to share his. I just failed to contemplate it long enough to realize I how actually felt. My first inclination was... what about me?!
I am now refocusing my attention. This holiday is about Christ. It is about the love of our Father. This was something I heard a few times as a child and I didn't grasp the meaning. I didn't actually think of it as much of a sacrifice on God's part, giving up his son. My father had given me up a long time ago and he didn't seem too upset about it. I felt abandoned and alone and if God the Father was anything like my father I wanted nothing to do with Him. I was fine on my own and I could handle it. I made it 29 years without a father, why did I need one then? I did though. I needed my heavenly Father to take away all the baggage that I was carrying around. All the pain and resentment, not just toward my father but, my mother, my husband and family.
Then came the understanding that God would never leave me. Everyone else in my life had left me at one point or another and I needed to get that He never would. I couldn't comprehend that no matter what I did, how I acted or how I felt, God wasn't going anywhere! God was here to stay in my shadow or by my side, He was always there. Now I get it! I understand how much God loves me, how much of a sacrifice it was for Him to give His only Son to save ME.
I think this is why I get so riled up whenever someone takes the Christ out of Christmas, when people act so selfishly, when the buy me's and the I want's become more important than the fact that the creator of the universe came down to save us! He didn't think "what about me?" Instead He thought "what about them?" What about the lost souls that will have to spend eternity in hell? What about the people I love so much that just cannot save themselves?
What would our world be like if God had gone with "what about me?" Where would we be? Do you think that if our God wasn't so lovingly concerned for US we would still be here? He wouldn't have to lift a finger to rid the world of the sinful people that fill it. My mother use to tell me "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!" Well, God brought us the world and He can take it away! He could have wiped us all out like He did in Noah's day. He could have thrown a temper tantrum and broke the world into a bunch of pieces because things weren't going His way.
I think we all need to appreciate the fact that He didn't. I for one and very grateful to have a Father that loves me that much! A father that doesn't care if I become a doctor or a singer. If I play soccer or dance in a ballet. He loves me for me and that is the ONLY place I will ever receive that kind of unconditional love.
So, Merry Christmas everyone! Don't forget why we say that! Don't forget that we celebrate because of a baby in a manger not because of a present in a tree. We celebrate because God loved! We celebrate because a virgin gave birth to a savior and He saved!
